Logo Diary of a Siddha © Copyright  2001 - Martine Moeykens
Diary of a Siddha

Meditation garden...... These pages were written in summer 2001 until now spring 2004. They were written while in the last stages of a very unhealthy relationship and also in the first year of a new and healthy relationship.
The dying relationship gave me the iniatiative to look at the parts of myself which were allowing the unhealthy bonding.
I looked at it in a wider context as in life giving me the opportunity to heal and move on. I spend months thinking, talking to friends, looking for help and resolving the inner conflict that had allowed the confusion and I came out of it, not a new me but more myself, more than ever.
This part of the website is meant for anybody who has come to the same 'wall' in themselves and who just wants to read about someone else who who has disembled that wall and moved on in life.
The way i see life is that at birth you come packaged with a blueprint of what you came down to fulfill as your task. My Kabyle friend expresses the same but with different words: it is your destiny to do this or that and this destiny is something that Allah gave you and following your destiny is what our life is about.
I see this task as something that we have chosen ourselves together with more enlightened beings to do on this earth before we were conceived biologically.
We still have the choice to fulfill this destiny or not.....and to run away from it; but finding what this destiny is, in the first place and fulfilling it in the second place and out of fulfilling it comes happiness.
Finding what our destiny is on this planet is a job in itself and to find that out we need to listen to the current of life inside ourselves. To find peace and tranquility near that current and to renew our faith in Life is a task that requires courage and humility. By destiny and mean nothing grandiose....the beauty lies in sensing what it is we are here for...

What is a Siddha?

A Siddha is a word which originates in hindu tradition; as far as I remember it means perfection. What is important is what it means for me: moving all the barriers which lead to unity with God and therefore with all other creations of God.

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Sensing Life's Path - 10 April 2004 -

We all use our intuition, our gut-feelings at some stage in our life to do something or to leave it. We do it automatically without thinking about it, as an automatic reaction.
At times when we want something in our life, something that is dear to us and that we think will further our path in life but no matter what it just doesn't happen.
I have learned that the only obstacle to it is a barrier in myself, something that keeps me from moving to what I perceive as a better way of life.
It is then that 'sensing the future' becomes a necessity...and it goes like this:(mention book about listening) Listening to my inner feelings about the situation, feeling the fears involved if i carry through with it, voicing all these feelings, the pro ones and the contra ones....
If I don't do that myself someone else in my environment will invariably voice them for me and I will be faced with them not by myself but by an outsider...

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Lies and deceit

28 November 2001
Lies, lies, lies as opposed to genuine being oneself, honest openess. It escapes me totally how anybody could be anything but honest about themselves, it is a value I learned at home and which I upheld and consequently bestowed the same qualities onto everybody I met until...I realised quite painfully that very few people uphold these values. Too late because I was caught in a web of deceit, trying to wave my finger about, saying you lied again. But of course I was just laughed at and being called 'stupid'.
There is no fun in wondering whether he or she is lying on a continuous basis. It must be awful to lie and be deceitful on an ongoing basis, it must be hard to believe in anything. To have an honest relationship with others is totally out of the question, how can one really relate to another human while lying continuously to that person. How can one enjoy a relationship knowing full well that one is feeding lies to one's partner.
I am trying to understand the process, the thinking behind the lies and I have only my personal experience of liers in my life. 'Liers' there is hatred in that word, when I think about it. There is a sense of hatred requesting punishment for the lier. I lose my face when faced with cunning, calculated deceit. I can't understand. It's a hard and so far a demeaning experience, they must be laughing at our noble feelings of honesty, trying to tell us how much cleverder they are for lying and manipulating you, because 'you' they think deserve to be deceited for being so stupid and believing in 'good', when the world is a rotten place where is everybody should be robbed of anything they have: property and qualities.
That is my idea as to what goes on in the mind of a lier and deceiver. But tell me if you know more, have had same experience or are a true lier and want to brag about your 'qualities' or if you used to lie and now are 'converted'. I know it sounds patronising.

07 June 2003
Nearly mid-summer many moons later and I found the answer to the previous problem. I still haven't published my website on-line but I will, later on this year.
The answer is that no matter what is going on around oneself, if there is no hurt in one's heart then there is compassion. It doesn't really matter if there are people in my life who lie on a consistent basis.
My life might have dishonest people in it but it doesn't mean that the dishonesty has to touch me. It will only touch me and hurt me if I am emotionally bound to it. Therefore I had set myself the task to heal my wounds, day after day after day. Healing the hurt: every time it came up, I breathed through it, again and again, until it left me, peaceful and strong again.
I know the process so well now that it that I release the pain automatically when it comes up.
In the past my reaction to the pain was anger, anger at an outside source, a source of anything, now I know and have felt that the anger is connected to the pain and the fear inside myself. Now I breathe out the fear and move away from being co-dependantly connected to anybody who has the same fear.
The truth is that we all, human beings have fear and we all find ways to circumvent around the fear by finding something outside ourselves to divert our attention from this fear. We escape into fantasy worlds, escaping from our inner pain, we pretend we don't have this pain, we pretend to be quite good actors in this world, we project an image of self-confidence and/or we escape into fantasy or we numb our inner voice with alcohol or drugs. But the pain is always there and we all have it and the only thing that is going to heal these existential wounds is compassionate healing through releasing the pain with love.
Then some of us cannot fantasize enough to move away from the pain or can't drink enough to forget or get stoned enough to forget and we crack at the seams, our heart breaks with the pressure and we end up taking medication to forget, to move away from our inability to heal and to face our real Selves.
We end up in a mental state of disarray and possibly in a mental institution. I have been in the business of journeying with people in that situation, they are my students at the training and occupational centres of the Health board and my work is to be 'myself' with them, no more, no less.
To be 'myself' is to be a human being in their presence, no more no less..

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Crippled with Fear of Life - 16 July 2002

Realised yesterday that as long as I allow anybody to have power over my emotions I will be in trouble. Had a few deep conversations with a friend over the last few days. We both realised that or admitted that both our emotions are crippled with fear, fear of life.
This is a state I have seen described in different places:
1) Article: the beginning of the End of Fear by Harvey Wasserman MD, Network 42 Ireland, Holistic Magazine for Mind, Body, Spirit & Earth May September 2002. (includes technique for releasing fear through breathing.)
2) The Heart of the Soul, Emotional Awareness by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis, Simon & Schuster, ISBN 0-7432-2068-4 (The whole book is about releasing fear in the different chakras and becoming emotionally aware.)
3) Website: Lucidities; short reflections on relationships and other issues at www3.telus.net/honeycombe_botanical/reflections13.html (written around the year 2000, it is a website packed with information and tips about the new human species and new age relationships where the two individuals in the couple are co-creators.)
4) Love is letting go of fear, Gerald G. Jampolsky, MD, Celestial Arts, Berkely, California, 1979, ISBN 0-89087-246-5
5) The Power of Negative Thinking, Tony Humphreys, Gill & Macmillan Ltd. 1996, ISBN 0-7171-3004-5 ( Written by an Irish clinical psychologist, a very human insight into the workings of emotions and the residues left by dysfunctional upbringing.)

As I write this the fear is gripping me again around the solar plexus, my eyes are ready to cry again, but I know and feel that if I allow someone else to overpower me with his or her needs and wants is totally detrimental to my emotional and spiritual health.
Equally to try to overpower someone else with my needs and wants is just as detrimental. I have been in both sides of the camp, I know now.

I went to a lot of places in this life, looking for something, some person to fulfill my dream relationship, only to be thrown back onto myself and there I am now to be cleaned out of every fear and uncertainty, and to embrace a totally new purpose in life. I need to make a new vision of my life, for myself, for my family before I can envision any other co-operation in a special relationship with any man. I quit smoking. I feel lonely, so lonely and I know that I need to move to the stage where I feel alone and fulfilled. I was there before when I met my previous partner.

I pray the Our Father every night with the kids; Jesus said at some stage during his life:"Forgive them because they don't know what they are doing."

I seem to be on two different levels. I am aware of a higher level of loving but I am also acutely aware of a lower level, where fear still hides and anger lives and as long as I cannot resolve that level , nothing on a higher level will hold truth.
I realise how much of my entangled emotions with my partner are still afraid of his power over me and I am wondering what it will take for me to turn back on my steps of the last 9 years and be myself again, whole and complete and allowing the love and care of people who really mean it genuinely.

Note 08 June 2003: As I am reading these words from last year, I see the intention and the emotional work I put into it. It wasn't easy but it is worthed because I would not want to be in any other place within myself then I am now.
My heart and my emotions are strong and centred in my Higher Self - and become more and more every day.) And what is more to recognise truly when someone is trying to pull the wool over my eyes, to turn away from them, to forgive them and to let them go.

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Life is a series of thoughts we think.

Every thought creates situations in which we find ourselves, people we meet, opportunities we take or don't take. Life is continual creation, moment after moment.
Everything that we encounter in this life, we have first created in thought, every person that we meet, gives us reflections of where we are at in thought,
which makes us responsable for out thinking, us , not someone else, not the dog, not the cat, not...anything else.
"In the Beginning was the Word, and the Word was..." what created this earth and the people. We create continually, every thought we think creates, every word we express creates, creates or destroys, moves us on in a certain direction or keeps us gagged, bound and powerless.

We create in fear or in love, we create in separateness or we create in cooperation
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Life script
We all have a life script, an inner song, a signature tune,...
some of us who can write will have written text, poetry, stories pertaining to this signature tune.
I have kept texts over the years and in between the more depressive writing, I found the gems, and each of these gems, sang the same song but with different words.
How do you uncover this song of yours?
Go for a walk, near the sea, throught the woods, or on a bike ride, take a pen and paper, stop in a spot where you find peace and tranquility, sit down and reflect and then let your thoughts flow and write,...let your heart speak, create a direct link between your heart, your mind and your hand and eyes.
Uncover one piece of the puzzle of your inner tune, one at a time,...when you read it, you will feel happy about having achieved that, draw a picture if you feel like it, but above all, keep these mementos safe.
In a while on a dreary day, when all looks bleak and unfriendly, uncover your special book of thoughts and read...
You will be amazed at what you discover...the gem that was and is inside you, that inner song, which is still singing inside you ...to be uncovered again.

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Last Stages of fear - 02 January 2003
It is past Christmas and past New Year. I gave myself a present under the tree, a book I wanted for a long time, a book on which other books that I have been reading are based: A course in Miracles.
I started to read it today second chapter, why THERE? because it attracted me as being where I wanted to be.
I am looking for that inner peace I used to have, years ago or at least I thought I had it. I have read books, partially and articles on websites in the last few months and all relate the same thing:
I have come to understand the true value of depression because it strips you of everything you once believed in, it entices you to clear the clutter in your mind and change your tracks. That if you truly believe that there is life after death, because depression is death, death of the ego and all its false words and promises then the real baptism comes into play and you allow yourself to be truly reborn into what you were supposed to give to this world.
I want these chronicles to be a testimony of what happened to me in these last stages of working through the fear as a reality for other seekers to allow them to value the reality of their inner thoughts and struggles because it is real hard for me now in this world to find other seekers who are on the same level. It is important for me to feel that I am not on my own in moving through this birthcanal, and I know it to be important for other seekers not to feel alone either but to sense that this reality is as real as real can get, when real is beyond any gameplay, when you become the puppeteer and the costume director.
To start residing behind the scenes can be frightening, that is where the train of depression takes you, it takes you there, for a reason and the reason is that it urges you to simplify your life, to strip it down from anything that isn't needed. What isn't needed are all the false beliefs you have accumulated in your mind in the so many years of your life, lifetimes.
I work with people who have mental and emotional illnesses; I know now that we all have, it is just that some individuals are overwhelmed by it. That is the only difference between ourselves and the people we look after. They are the people with whom we can establish a genuine connection based on recognising God within them.

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Ask and you shall receive
I was studying 'Occupational Therapy' in 1974; I was in my second year when I had the very strong urge to find a technique which would enable me to bring me to a 'different state'.
I knew such a state existed and that was all; other than that I knew I had to look for it.
Where? How? That was the question.
I was about to receive what I could call 'Divine Support'.
It is the gift from higher source of both:

I then knew I had found 'the doorway to heaven inside myself'.
There was absolutely no doubt in my heart and my mind as to the validity of what I had found to be the right technique into altered state of consciouness
To this day 30 June 2003 I still uphold this but then that is what I found to be true for myself.
What is right for you could be totally different or it could be the same.
The only way you can know anything is by asking your Self and wait until you get the answer.

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Thoughts and new creations

Around March this year I wrote down and also asked outloud what kind of new relationship with a male partner I wanted.
As you ask, so you shall receive and this being my experience in life, i received what I asked for.
First, I described the new partner, as a man who is on the same emotional and spiritual level as myself, so that we could and would see each other in the same clear light.
I projected onto my mind the picture of a relationship I had in my heart and I was sure, that somewhere in this world, there is a man who has these same desires of love and clarity to fulfill in a relationship with a woman.
I projected a feeling too, which could be described, as a panoroma of woods in snow, peaceful tranquil reflection, deep sense of peace and quietness, a sense of working with primary materials, the scent of open fires, the scent of warm, deep sensuality and creativity, and a vision of life that is larger and far reaching and touches the Divine within.
I was looking for a kindred spirit in the body of a sensual, loving man and I told the universe that I was ready to receive this relationship in my life to work on issues together while being a couple who spends fun and creative time together.
We met in cyberspace, I think on the 4th of July, I replied to him in French because I sensed that being North-African it would be easier for him to communicate that way.
The simplicity of his language made me feel less interested at first, but the language of his emotions spoke loud and we went on emailing each other and then he asked me to converse in realtime. So since then we are talking every day to each other and it varies from just under 2 hours to 4 hours depending on how chatty we feel.
We met in real life in Monastir airport to go on holidays together for a week.
The meeting of our minds and hearts became the meeting of our bodies and lifestyles and what we both experienced was encountering a really old friend, lover and partner, whom we had lost touch with, only 'god knows when'.
He had introduced me to his Berber culture over the previous months of our encounter and the simplicity of his life reminded me of the simplicity I searched and found in the 70 ies in my hippy days.
We talked, laughed, sang, ate, walked, slept together for those 7 days and nights and not one moment was out of place.
The times we needed space from each other, we both respected the other, while remaining in the vicinity of each other, we talked of different issues to clarify them, we looked into each others eyes and found the peace of loving and giving, we held each others hands and felt the sweet connection of touch, we were finally who we wanted to be, loving mates looking at life together.
When he sang he reminded me of myself, when he held his pen in his hand and wrote, I saw the way i write, when he blew his nose, I thought it was only me who made that loud elephant noise, when he did that smacking noise of his lips I thought it was only me who did that, when he teased me i was reminded of how I used to tease my friends.
Our close proximity formed a unity which I have never encountered in my life before, but somewhere I had always known that it existed.
So, he had been there on this earth and I had been here, ready to see each other, to meet again and to go on discovering life together, when the time was right.
The time was right when i surmounted the emotional turmoil I had been in for years, cleansed myself and asked for him to show himself.
We are connected to other humans on this planet, i am totally convinced, even before we meet them, even if we never meet them, but our individual souls are longing to meet again and are waiting and urging us to meet again, to fulfill our destinies together.

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Kindred Spirits - February 2005

© Martine Moeykens - October 2004 - Pouring green the in MoroccoWe spend magic moments together, both in Tunisia and in Morocco by the Grace of God every 5 to six months. The Department of Justice of Ireland won't let him visit here. Why? They have their own ideas as to what an Algerian might get up to here!!
This is what my muslim friend has to say about it: "We all have our destiny to follow; our destiny is written on our forehead; it is Gods will that we follow it and if it isn't meant for us to live together, it just won't happen. There is just no use to force anything to happen.

Every time I hear him talk about his faith in God, I feel this breeze of fresh, clear wind blowing through my mind. His faith is so clear and so simple, that it leaves me astounded by its simplicity.

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